I’ve been reading about the subject of happiness a lot lately. And the thing that keeps jumping out at me is the recommendation to “refrain from comparing oneself to others.” A tall feat for me. I can’t recall a time when I wasn’t looking at myself in relation to someone else. My brother was always “the smarter one.” My friends always had “cooler” parents. Women are skinnier or more successful or happier because they’re married with children. Oy.
So I was thrilled this morning to be talking about the subject with my friend as we walked briskly around the lake, trying not to trip into each other in the utter darkness (ah, winter… here it comes). I mentioned to her that I am trying, really trying, to abstain from comparing myself to others. And my dear friend told me that she is working on this as well. A wise person in her life once shared the following: “If you compare yourself to someone who apparently has it better – you’re just going to feel worse about yourself. If you compare yourself to someone in worse shape – you’ll only be self-aggrandizing. And do you really want to be that person?” NO!
So what’s with all the comparing I’ve done throughout my life? What purpose has it served? The most recent, and blatant, example happened on Tuesday night. I was listening to my friend talk about his father’s recent passing. His father went quickly following a long and valiant battle with cancer. And my friend was talking about how grateful he was that hospice had taken care of almost everything for them. That his father had not lost his dignity. That he had been ready. And while I was happy – joyful – that his father’s experience was so blessedly peaceful, I couldn’t help but think of mom. And all she went through. All I went through. Thankfully the thoughts flashed quickly through my mind. They didn’t linger. But the selfishness that this kind of comparison brought was, frankly, embarrassing. And, ultimately, totally futile.
I think the onerous nature of this latest example of comparison created a welcome shift for me. I have since been extremely aware of my propensity for self-evaluation. And I have put a halt to it.Well, almost. Whenever I notice myself looking at others lives longingly, wishing I was this, that or the other thing, I stop. And I replace this internal gibberish with … gratitude. Because, really, I have a lot. More than many, I’d say. And I have not yet perfected this “happy talk.” I’ll likely never be completely liberated from holding myself up to others. Old habits die hard. But I hope, at the very least, that I can become more aware of it. I know I’ll be happier. And this, at least today, is my simple goal.
If I haven’t yet burst your bubble that married women with kids are to be envied I need to work on that a little harder. ;p
It’s human nature though and we all go through it. You are perfect just the way you are, learning to appreciate all you have.
xo, Sustainable Eats